I am Jean, a 31 year old female who is going bald. In all of my previous life, I would have never imagined that hairloss would be an issue for me. Like most women, I thought that I worrying about my waistline would be the hardest thing I had to deal with. I was wrong.

I don’t know why I am losing my hair. I keep thinking that I should be able to fix it by taking a vitamin or eating differently, but I have been unable to change it thus far.

Here’s my story:

I started losing hair about 3 years or so ago. I was on the tail end of a stressful, painful marriage, about to graduate from college, and working in an administrative position that was very demanding on my time. When I first noticed the hair coming out, I shrugged it off because I thought it was a normal amount of loss for me or a temporary thing due to stress. I have always had brittle hair because I have hypothyroidism for which I take synthyroid meds. After a while, it became clear to me that this wasn’t typical breakage, but actual hair loss. I thought that I was brushing my hair too hard and tried to be careful. No matter what I did, my hair continued to cascade down my back every time I touched my head. I was getting ready to move across the country and wrapping up my divorce so I really didn’t have time to think about it though. It bothered me, but in the back of my mind I still thought it was temporary.

I’ll never forget the day I realized that it had gone on long enough that I had a real bald spot on the back of my head.

Instead of my usual right-side part, I now had one on each side of my head. 2 matching streaks where there was no hair. It hasn’t gotten better.

I held a hand mirror and looked at the back of my head for what seemed like hours. I could not believe that my head looked like that. In spite of the fact that I always had brittle hair, I wore it long and it was a pretty auburn color (sometimes the salon helped nature just a little).

I unabashedly admit to crying a lot about this. It hurts so much to have no control over a dramatic and unflattering change in my appearance. What really hurts is that there is very little understanding of what this feels like among those who haven’t experienced hairloss. I tried to tell my closest friend and she sort of laughed at me. Ha ha, balding women look so funny. I have told other friends and have gotten a similar response or told that this was only a vain concern. Maybe it is only vanity, but human society places a great deal of value on appearances no matter how else anyone wants to spin it. It hurts to be ugly. I don’t desire great waves of pity, but I want to be understood that hairloss is painful. I don’t know how to word it right so that one who has not suffered this understands. And those that are suffering it, don’t need me to because they already know.

Women are identified frequently by their hair. I have been called “red”. Women are called names like “blondie” or “brunette”. Aside from waist-lines and bust size, hair is one of the biggest factors determining attractiveness in contemporary society. This may be shallow, but it’s not mutually exclusive from it also being very, very true. In non-Western societies where women must cover their hair, it is because hair is considered such an attractive thing to the sight of men that it makes them think impure thoughts.

After I moved across the country and before starting grad school, I devoted time to searching the web to find information. I found countless products claiming to solve my problem. Normally, I’m skeptical of claims to good to be true, but the problem is that I am vulnerable because I am so eager to buy a magical cure. If only someone would invent a pill that could regrow my hair. Well, I’ve tried a few and they simply don’t work. I found a discussion forum where I could talk with others and get ideas about what to try. I have made incredible dietary and personal habit changes based on recommendations of others desperately searching for a way to get hair back or stop it from falling out. I have taken all sorts of herbs and drank gallons of green tea (no joke). One thing I learned on the discussion forum was that many others feel as bad or even worse than I do. I also learned that strong feelings are not gender specific and that men suffering hairloss hate it too.

I have not tried Rogaine or any of the oral meds yet. Most doctors simply suggest Rogaine because it’s all they know. I was very annoyed with my last doctor because he told me to use some shampoo. He has no clue how many hours and hours I have spent reading up on products and their potential effectiveness or damage to my cause. I told him that I probably knew more than he did.

I don’t like to be a depressed person and am actually normally happy and perky. I like life. I think that life can be filled with as much joy as we want to make for ourselves—that it’s only a matter of how we choose to view our world. I believe that we do not have to get defeated and if we do, it is out of choice. I also believe that looks don’t have to be the end all and those who really love us will see beyond our immediate appearance. But to see my hair getting thinner and thinner daily and facing a wig wears me down. It still hurts and causes me anxiety trying to hide it. If I don’t wear my hair back, others will be able to see my scalp in the back of the crown area and I can’t quite face that. Balancing my philosophy with my increasingly shabby hair and altered appearance is really, really tough.

I am trying some products now and am still loading up on vitamins and herbs. I can’t just do nothing even though the something that I am doing hasn’t helped yet. I have to feel like I am making some sort of attempt.